ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!

The last thing I have time to be doing right now is writing a blog.
My day went a little something like this...

Wake up at 6AM to pack for an 11:20AM flight to Portland. (Ride picking me up at 10AM). Feelin' good, making good time, thinking I might get in breakfast AND make some progress on the balance of work due for this project- the whole point of the trip.

And then...

I went to pack my "personal item" a.k.a huge-ass bag that every woman counts as her "purse" for airline travel. (Shut up. You know you do it.) And I discovered that my passport and social security card are MIA. F*CK.

Proceed to STAGE 5 MELTDOWN.

I still haven't located them. But I ran out of time to try. So now I am in Oregon and at least I'm distracted. And I have Xanax.

And then...

We get to the airport and I'm not gonna lie, we cut it a little close, and proceeded to get stuck behind The Unfortunates in the security line. (Our flight was delayed but we didn't know that yet.) I'm a mean-spirited person, I feel the same about this as I do about Tourists in Time Square; there should be a Business Lane and a Clueless Lane. And there should be some sort of method for proving you qualify for the Business Lane.

The Woman in front of me in my security line was sent back not once, not twice but THREE times. The third she emptied enough tea bags out of her capri pants to serve the Royal Wedding Reception. I am brand loyal when it comes to teas but, I assure you madame, wherever you are going THEY HAVE TEA.

Cutting-in between me and Mrs. Tea from the other security line- not only was I clearly NEXT, I was also CLEARLY in a hurry- was Mom'N'Kids. She seemed to think her two small children trumped me. She got sent back to the scanner 4 times. Seriously, lady. Don't question it just take off your belt, sunglasses, metal headband, and watch THE FIRST TIME.

And then...

We get through security to find out that we're delayed. The airport (LGB) is pretty much a double-wide on an airstrip. PACKED TO THE GILLS. Whoever decided the double wide had room for a "bar" lost their mind. I think they halved their space. Anyway, I go to fill my water bottle and on the way back some woman nearly takes me out with her little red rolling suitcase. Never even looked back or acknowledged it either. Thank god I was wearing my Fryes. I would have lost a limb, at the very least a toe, in Toms.

Finally, its time to board. We're flying jetBlue so we're able to board from the front or the back. My seat's in the back. I get out to the tarmac, take one look at the rear stairs and inform the grossly overweight airline employee directing traffic that I'll be boarding via the ramp at the front. So I roll up Everest and am greeted by another big airline dude. He watches me struggle with my bags and take out a couple of knees on my trip down the aisle.

What exactly is the purpose of flight attendants? Granted, at least jetBlue still serves complimentary snacks but really? They don't help you in any way with any thing. And this is for any of the men who might read this: yes, I'm a DIY-er and yes, I'm independent, but HELP ME WITH MY BAG or at least offer; please?

And then...

I got to my seat and no one was there. Yay! Five minutes to get settled by myself. Hurray! Especially because I'm stuck in a middle seat. Blech. And then my seatmate arrives....

And he is H-O-T. Things are looking up, I think. But only so far because OF COURSE HE'S MARRIED. BIG GIANT WEDDING BAND (what is with the black titanium wedding band, btw? Blech). And why wouldn't he be? He's a really nice guy. Attractive, nice guys, who are interesting are NEVER single. (Kinda makes me wonder where I fall on the flip side of the spectrum: I don't think I'm a troll but I do admit to not being nice; if I'm not moderately interesting, at the very least I'm entertaining- so???)

And then...

My blue Pilot Precise V5 roller ball pen explodes. So now my hands are blue and I have to ask the third male flight attendant (all men on the crew today, I don't think I've ever had that happen before) for a napkin. Luckily, he was the best of the bunch and THOUGHT to bring me some alcohol wipes which did help quite a bit.

But really, ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!?

OK. Back to work.

I'll keep you posted.
k8